I'm Not Dead

Dear reader,

how lovely to discover you exist.

Over the past two weeks, I've been surprised and chuffed to receive several emails from friends I didn't even know were perusing this blog (as well as some plaintive comments from fellow bloggers - you know who you are) politely enquiring when my next post will be. Please forgive my neglect; it's been a really overwhelming, exciting, intense six weeks and I just haven't had the space - emotionally or time-wise - to document it. Allow me to catch you up.

Straight out of left field, I've been given the opportunity to travel to America so I can make like a sponge and soak up some experience, strength and hope from both the 12 Step and Baha'i Communities there, which are far more established than our burgeoning movements Down Under. I'll be attending a Recovery Convention as well as a BNASAA Conference in early October. Then I'm planning on traveling around the country for a few months researching and applying for grad schools. My heart just implodes with joy at all this, but like anything big and glorious and whirlwind, I've needed to make some significant sacrifices. I had to let go of my BEC training, which felt like losing a limb. (So I'm sorry, Jay, there won't be any follow up post on R-E-S-P-E-C-T in the B-E-C, but I can share briefly that the kids' dances were adorable and hilarious and it was a great note to say goodbye on.)

I've also had to ask God to show me how to create several thousand dollars in a month and a half, if it be Her will. So far, the growth of my bank balance has been nothing short of miraculous, but because I hadn't planned on making it back to the States this year, I've had to get awfully busy, awfully fast. It's been an extraordinary exercise in faith - which, as a wise old sober alcoholic once told me, can be broken down into the following acronym: Future Adventures in Trusting Him. Don't ask me why I forget that God is the All-Bountiful every time there's a financial question mark over my head. She has always come through for me in the past and I'm slowly learning that She always will.

Lastly, and perhaps most significantly, I've needed time to allow some important feelings to bubble up, over and out. Like most of us, particularly those of us in recovery from addiction, I have a rich, woolly history. Every so often, a person or event will trigger some major healing that requires I be very gentle with myself. This last month has involved a lot of that. And once again I'm experiencing the beautiful fact that tests are really gifts:

"My calamity is My providence, outwardly it is fire and vengeance, but inwardly it is light and mercy. Hasten thereunto that thou mayest become an eternal light and an immortal spirit. This is My command unto thee, do thou observe it." - Baha'u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words

The support of my fellows in recovery is helping. Long, hot showers are helping. Making time my friend is helping. Prayer is helping:

"O God! Refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers. I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life. O God! Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord." - 'Abdu'l-Bahá, Compilations, Baha'i Prayers, p. 149

So. I hope you can appreciate why I've been a little absent from this blog. Huge shifts are happening for me, both internally and externally. I'm focusing on welcoming them, because my experience has been that when old ghosts are exorcised, new space is created for Grace to enter, no matter how painful or confronting the process. I believe my Beloved is preparing me for this unexpected transatlantic adventure by thoroughly spring-cleaning my soul. My prayer is that I can follow Her guidance and arise unfettered to go meet my destiny. The destiny I'm talking about is nothing extraordinary, nor is it exclusive to me. It's the same destiny on offer to anyone alive during the Formative Age: that is, the opportuntiy to utilise our unique talents and experiences in order to become the most effective servants to humanity possible.

As my departure looms, I will do my best to keep posting in between buying travel insurance, organising couches to crash on and preparing my College applications. Thanks in advance for your loving prayers.